ANCIENT ASTROLOGICAL SECRETS OF THE JEWS REVEALED by Reuven Shomroni

Before the fall, when they wrote it on the wall 
And there wasn't even any Hollywood 
They heard the call and they wrote it on the wall 
For you and me, we understood

By now we've seen plenty of midcentury pop astrology guides, offering love, prosperity, and understanding for those bold enough to grasp them. But now comes "the eminent Hebrew authority," one Reuven Shomroni, with the ancient system to beat all ancient secrets, Chinese or otherwise: ANCIENT ASTROLOGICAL SECRETS OF THE JEWS REVEALED!

Shomroni leads with an uncomfortable philosemitic argument which takes Exodus as read for historical fact and writes off non-Kabalistic astrology as built on the blundering failures of dirt eating medieval Christians:

The cultural gloss may be unique, but Shomroni's attitude is par for the course for any vintage astrology text: simply disclaim your competition as a bunch of morons! Unlike those other useless, simpering astrologists, Shomroni claims that Hebrew astrology is a rock solid science of unseen influences and forces, a truly intellectual tradition that offers amazingly accurate insight into our modern lives!

And just how does Hebrew astrology reach these dizzying heights of accuracy? Simple, according to Shomroni: it starts with an adherence to the older five planet system of astrology, which our author tells us is superior to the modernized eight planet system. Furthermore, each traditional sign is granted a "governing intelligence" named for one of Jacob's twelve sons, and each planet is granted a "guiding intelligence" or sephiroth, named after archangels and bestowing additional qualities! Finally, every sign is given a Kabalistic number. Thus, a sign's profile would look as such:

As we've seen already, and in common with other pop astrology writers, Shomroni makes a lot of hay out of the failings of rival systems, and in his chapter on Scorpio he claims that other astrologists almost never deal with Scorpio's darker side. We know this just isn't true - Scorpio's dark side is half the fun! Sexy and scary, passionate and obsessed Scorpio is, for me, the highlight of any pop astrology guide, and Shomroni's "ancient" Hebrew style sounds identical to every other midcentury guide (no matter how "elevated" the authors claim to be) in warning, ever so titillatingly, of the dangers of mixing it up with these powerful personalities.

The text could have benefited from some Kabalistic charts or ancient illustrations, but the good folks at Lancer are too cheap for that.

The back page ads feature a plug for the psychic self help text How to Use ESP by Dorothy Spence Lauer and Brad Steiger.

A wooly man without a face, and a beast without a name! This vintage title goes for far too much money online, so in the interest of information, Reuven Shomroni's guide is available to read and download at archive dot org, absolutely free of charge!

Lancer Books, 1970

CRASH GO THE CHARIOTS by Clifford Wilson, M.A., B.D., Ph.D.

Zip, bang, boom, and CRASH GO THE CHARIOTS! Lancer Books releases another anti-Chariots reader the same year as Popular Library's anthology Some Trust in Chariots, and like that volume you'd be hard pressed to guess the critical content given the packaging which promises more and greater revelations in the wake of von Daniken's ancient astronauts. But author Clifford Wilson isn't going to take any of von Daniken's nonsense lying down, and he's got mainstream and Biblical archaeology on his side - Wilson was a young earth creationist and proponent of Biblical truth who takes extreme issue with von Daniken's warping of basic historical facts as well as Biblical interpretations.

Wilson is especially incensed at von Daniken's slurring of archaeologists as a bunch of close minded, hidebound "experts" and describes his own experiences in the field working alongside both secular and religious minded researchers who were all professional enough to go where the facts lead ... Wilson just happens to thinks they lead to an inerrant Biblical truth and a geologically young earth!

Author Clifford Wilson (1923-2012)

These old school creationists can be quite logical in their own way, and Wilson's background allows him to neatly filet von Daniken's crimes against the Bible, including old standbys like Ezekiel's wheel, the atomic destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, and the electrified, positized, nuclearized Ark of the Covenant.

During his fact checking episodes Wilson also lays out how von Daniken structures his own shaky arguments: railing at those nasty "experts," leaving out established answers to his many "mysteries," and always ending things with a giant question mark - meaning that von Daniken never has to stand behind any of his arguments and can always retreat to claiming to be "just asking questions."

I've already remarked how Lancer packaged their anti-Chariots books without any critical clues on the covers, as if they were worried readers wouldn't seek out a skeptical perspective. It seems like nowadays we don't even really have this soft pedaled "mainstream" counter to von Daniken, as the various Ancient Aliens shows churn on for year after year and alternate perspectives are limited to specific "skeptic" outfits like CSI (formerly CSICOP) and authors like Jason Colavito. Even Wilson's evenhanded religiosity is a thing of the past, as Creationism has long since been subsumed into the larger partisan right wing evangelical culture. This work is a snapshot of a time gone by, just as it describes ancient history and dusty archives.

Brad Steiger pops up in the back page ads with his book on Paul Twitchell and Eckankar, alongside Twitchell's own work, Aleister Crowley, and some other occult and astrology guides that Wilson surely wouldn't approve. Some big name science fiction and a couple of Exorcist cash-ins fill out the ads.

If footmen tire you, what will horses do? Crash Go the Chariots is available to read and download at archive dot org.

Lancer Books, 1972

THE MENACE OF PEP PILLS by Warren Smith and Eugene Olson

"Kids are different today," I hear every mother say

Mother needs something today to calm her down

And though she's not really ill, there's a little yellow pill 

She goes running for the shelter of her mother's little helper

And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day

And not just mother, but father and daughter and junior (and nowadays, Spot and Kitty too!) and that nice boy who used to cut the grass ... Yessir, it seems like yesterday's scourges of heroin and grass and LSD have given way to THE MENACE OF PEP PILLS!

Pep pills, goofballs, yellow jackets, fuzzie wuzzies, Strangeloves (!) and Texas Turnarounds ... the nicknames are endless, but Warren Smith and Brad Steiger are on hand to guide us through the dangerous world of amphetamines, barbiturates, tranquilizers, and antihistamines - the classes that make up the "pep pills" as our authors summarize.

And yes, that's Steiger writing alongside Smith; this is such an early collab between our boys that Brad is still writing under his birth name of Eugene Olson.

One part sober appraisal, one part drug scare spook show, you could say that this work will leave you cross faded, as dry recitations of arrests, pill counts, and legislative gristle slide into Smith and Steiger's patented style of goofy dramatic reenactment - "Then this Puerto Rican cat came around and tried to push us some Tuinals. They're blue and red and really light you up. The fellows call 'em Christmas trees ... We told him to flake off!"

Smith even goes undercover at one point, posing as a pep pill addict to discover just how easy it is to get your fix, and to trace the big drug pushers' networks. You won't be surprised that it is just that easy, and to their credit Smith and Steiger do a decent job illustrating how drug use can be normalized, even encouraged, in everyday "straight" life. A housewife getting through her day, her husband at the office, kids looking to quell an uncertainty inside them (stereotyped as "looking for kicks"), truckers and other professionals who should really know better but need to make it through one more night, one more haul ...

And just who is a pusher, anyways? Not just the tough in the leather jacket or the sleazy voyeur at the bar, but a helpful trucker offering some "co-pilots" to his fellow long hauler, or a housewife offering a pick me up to her neighbor! Even your family doctor writing a perfectly legal prescription to deal with burnout or anxiety can be part of the problem. Yes, it seems we're all complicit in this societal sickness, which puts Smith and Steiger's little volume one up on so many drug scares and fear campaigns even to this day.

Chapter nine deals with the government response to this mess, with quotes from the FDA and various congress critters including Senator Thomas Dodd.

Senator Thomas Dodd (1907-1971)

Smith and Steiger gives us a bibliography too, something they'd both ditch in later years as they moved away from sociology and on to flying saucers and super creeps.

That MKUltra mind bender Dr. Louis Jolyon West lends some anodyne quotes about post-war neurosis and the creeping fear of atomic armageddon ... a fear often cultivated by West and his comrades, but that's neither here nor there! Drs. Peter A. Martin of Detroit and Thomas F. Green of Syracuse University are also on hand to explicate the relationship between existential dread and drug seeking.

Maybe it was this dread that led to Smith and Steiger becoming paranormal pushers, shoveling out endless candy colored volumes to the thrill seekers in need of a fix, looking for something juicier than congressional minutes and legislative proposals, something more enlightening that grubby drug killings and juvenile delinquency?

Who can say? Why do any of us do anything, if not for a momentary taste of being? Please pass it on though, and trade your books back to Spratt's:

The Menace of Pep Pills is available to read and download at archive dot org.

Merit Books, 1965

ARCHIVAL UPDATES: HOW TO BECOME A SENSUOUS WITCH

The groovy gonzo witchcraft guide How to Become a Sensuous Witch by Abragail and Valaria is now available to read and download at archive dot org. Featuring erotic eggnog and Pan (the god that is) cakes!

Courtesy the Paperback Library, 1971.

PREHISTORIC GERM WARFARE by Robin Collyns

IS MANKIND AN ALIEN EXPERIMENT? Brother, sometimes I feel like one! Author Robin Collyns has packed one hell of a head spinning hypothesis into 146 pages of punchy planet busting potpourri!

Just dig those chapter titles. Ancient astronauts? Of course! Ancient nukes, ancient genetic engineering, ancient secrets of time and space and color blindness? You betcha! Various indigenous legends from the Sioux, Maori, Australian Aborigines and others are crowbarred into the ancient astronauts matrix: this guy came from the sky, those guys wore something on their heads, these other fellas had powers beyond our comprehension ... all aliens!

Bigfoot and all his friends? Alien as all hell! How about the Bermuda Triangle? Do you even have to ask? Collyns' dedication is admirable as he stitches together almost the whole damn paranormal smorgasbord into his tapestry. Did you know the asteroid belt is all that remains of Planet X after a nuclear war with Mars? Collyns kind of stole that one from James P. Hogan and his 1977 SF novel Inherit the Stars, but then again Hogan was a Holocaust denier so we'll let it slide. Tunguska, of course, was an out-of-control alien craft that suffered nuclear detonation over Siberia. Stanton Friedman, Carl Sagan, CUFOS, and France's GEPAN try to ground things, relatively speaking, but Collyns will not be contained! Incan cities on Mars, titans from outer space, ginseng as a cure all wonder drug ... all food for thought and grist for the mill.

Collyns makes frequent reference to his prior works, including Ancient Astronauts: A Time Reversal? and the delightful title Laser Beams From Star Cities? The present work moves too fast for this padding to become an issue, and Collyns never belabors a point before moving on to the next wonder. The author also makes lots of references to film and TV: the germ warfare chapter features The Satan Bug and The Missing Are Deadly, to name two. This chapter's pretty creepy by the way, not only dealing with hypothetical alien attacks but also real life germ warfare from very earthly sources!

Recently departed Australian fringe researcher/yowie hunter Rex Gilroy is also referenced, as is good old Zecharia Sitchin and von Daniken's beloved iron pillar of Delhi. Collyns manages an entertaining brew mixing all the old standards.

Don't just take my word for it, though: Prehistoric Germ Warfare is available to read and download at archive dot org.

Star Books, 1980