SWORDS OF THE BARBARIANS by Kenneth Bulmer

IN THE TRADITION OF CONAN ... again! It's back to the well for more barbarian thrills as author Kenneth Bulmer hits us with the generically titled SWORDS OF THE BARBARIANS!

Bulmer is probably best know for his long running Dray Prescot series, a planetary romance series inspired by Burroughs' Barsoom stories that ran 50+ volumes! Here he serves up some swords and sorcery stew with a rather thin stock, but hiding some surprisingly spicy bits.

Kenneth Bulmer (1921-2005)

Twin heroes Torr and Tara have come to Gamelon Town as a leg of their vague quest for Jaran the All-Seeing, and nobody's having a good time. There's always that tension in swords and sorcery, of the "uncivilized" barbarians against the corrupt and decadent city dwellers, but here Bulmer sends it to new heights. Torr and Tara are terrible guests, stealing chickens and turning scumbag officials into mice with nude magic while just generally knocking shit around. Meanwhile, the Gamelon Townies are awful hosts, wannabe rapists corrupt to a man and ruled by scheming wizards who commune with demon familiars. No wonder then that Torr and Tara welcome the depredations of the invading Garthlanders ...

Belmont Tower continues its cheapjack tradition of shoddy releases, with typos galore and a back cover summary that manages to describe siblings Torr and Tara as lovers! To be fair to the publishers, Torr does think his sister is pretty sexy, and gets lost in thought at least twice over her hot body. Hoo boy ... Tara is a sexy witch who has to get naked to work her magic, and much plot hay is made over a cheap boot buckle preventing her complete disrobing. She's also tied up and leered over multiple times by various villains, and eventually cursed with the Black Bodice - a hot little leotard number that slowly constricts its victim to death! This is one of the sleaziest swords and sorcery titles I've read thus far, and also one of the goofiest. Bulmer fills his fantasy world with wild creatures like the teryxes (gigantic griffins) and the eight legged sjeeds, both used as mounts by the militant men of Garthland.

Fear them ...

At one point Bulmer references a far Khurdisran, and Belmont Tower's quality control is so poor that I'm not sure if he meant to explicitly write Khurdisan as a nod to John Jakes' barbarian hero Brak. In either case, it's not always the best idea to remind readers of other, better stories they could be enjoying. Bulmer also gives us the usual fantasy names like Frelgar, Kar Sjontu, Shishu-Sji, and others, with many foul and unknown gods cursed in passing - "By the swag belly of Obese Rumphaldi Himself!" Some of them land, some don't, and Bulmer's world feels more like a DnD pastiche than a fully realized setting. Some decent character work is appreciated, and sidekick Frelgar is especially well drawn as an "unfrocked philosopher" - a former wizard who now refuses to practice magic. The invading Garthlanders are a curious bunch, a conquering army of honor obsessed nobles who are treated more sympathetically than the Gamelon defenders. Torr sums it up near the end with disquieting relevance for recent events:

"Now may your people take possession of this place, Kar Sjontu," Torr said gravely. "I know nothing of the rights and wrongs of a whole people thus migrating and taking over another habitation. But I do know what my sister and I - and Frelgar - suffered here. You are very welcome."

Rare enough for Belmont Tower, we (sort of) get some illustrations, with old drawings of monsters reproduced from "The Book of Grotesques," presumably to inspire us about the many demons that Torr has to slay in duels with the wizards Zirmazd and Quapartz. The cover is another banger from artist Ken Barr, and typical of the genre is only loosely connected to the actual story - the villains are red heads, and there are flying monsters of a kind.

The New English Library put out the striking cover above, with beautiful '70s type, while managing to accurately relate Torr and Tara. For a semi-effective genre entry, Swords of the Barbarians earns a mixed 2/4 rating.

Belmont Tower Books, 1970